terça-feira, 8 de setembro de 2015

Please, don't try to fix me

I've been wasting my day thinking about everything in my life. All the tears I've cried, all the things that broke my heart...all the reasons that made me this, let's say, person. I like to think about myself as a monster. You know, the fairytale "Beuaty and the Beast"? The difference is in the past: I didn't hurt anyone and if I did, I'm sure I've hurted myself a lot harder than it may seem.
I'm a broken mess. I'm shattered all over the place. Most of the times I think I should cut myself open, I should stop breathing, I should stop living. I should, above all things, be left alone. Who's to blame rather than myself? No one! I've made bad choices, I've made mistakes that cost me a lot. I've become a much more rational person. I don't just sit there, waiting for anything to come. I just sit there waiting that nothing comes in my way. It hurts, but it's all life have been giving me. The struggle is so painful. This is a fight I can't win and believe me, I've tried. Every single day I try to be someone better, I try to be something that I will love and people will love too. I'm always trying my best to make others smile and go on with their lives. I've been pretty successful in that, I guess. But, what about me? Why can't I have a single moment of joy? Why can't I have the things and the people that really makes my heart goes on?

I've met a person. A very special one in my life. We could be everything, but we're not. I can assume my fault in that. What I can't stand is someone in her life that I don't trust, that I have, let's call it a feeling, that will hurt her and make her suffer. I have that feeling that she will be betrayed, The funny thing is that she keeps telling me that she's cheating herself. She's a priority to me and a choice to him. However, she wants to fight for that and I don't blame her and if that is what she wants, I'll support her. My fear is that if everything goes wrong and I'm not near, who will save her, since I'm the one capable of doing so?
I'm just failing at my myself. I'm failing with everyone around me. I'm feeling like a failure and I don't deserve all the good things in my life. This pain is what I get and maybe, just maybe, what I really deserve. Maybe this is what I will get through my entire life. Sometimes I just want to give up everything, but I won't do it. I rather live with pain than deliver pain to the ones I love the most.

This ruins. This wreckage. This mess. It torn me apart and made me just a shadow of what I could be. It just turns me into pieces. Small pieces. Stomped by everyone. But I'm here and I always will. To tell people my story and to lift them up. Because their smile is way more important than my own. This emptiness and loneliness won't change my priorities.

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