I Should Change Myself

"Oh my god is this really the end? I guess I'm not alright. I just can't tell what is real anymore. I'm trapped in my own hell"
And I feel like I'm stupid enough to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I know how to make things right and I know how to do everything to improve myself and my life, but instead of do so, I do the opposite. I do love a good battle, but why should I be my own enemy? Why can't I just simply let things go instead of trying to flip every single sentence? The resolution is simple: be quiet. Instead of do the talking, I should do the silence. Because it hurts. It upsets me a lot. I lost everything I want everytime I open my mouth or I type my words. I'm sick of letting my mind do the talking. It's like bitting my tongue and expect it won't hurt. But it does. And it's painful.

One thing I should be aware of is that I am, sometimes, hard to understand. I'm always kidding so nobody can see what is behind this smile I carry every single day so people can't see what is really inside of me and how I can't live with myself most of the times. Why do I hide myself behind my fake smile? So people don't bother with me. I don't want anyone to cry for me and I don't want to get back to the psychologist. I don't need none of those things. I just need to overcome this by myself once again, even if I have to lose the most important people in my life. They're not many, but they're what makes me who I am. But what am I? I'm an actor who knows how to play the "everything's alright and I'm strong enough to carry the world alone". And who I really am? An hopeless romantic in the searching of that princess of mine who will make me the happiest man in the world and who will wash away all the pain or, at least, who won't let me think about all the bad things I have in my head.

I'm truly trying to change myself to a better man. I'm trying to play it safe, but when I do that, I'm to slow to conquer what I want. Again, I know how to make it happen. But I feel like my time is slipping away between my fingers. I feel like my time is slowly approaching to an end unless something changes everything. But how can one change that when all I do is making mistakes over and over again?

I feel like there's no way out. So tell me: will you ever leave me?